


when god left me all alone, he’s all i got

by onewriterinamillion



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Character Study, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Non-Explicit Sex, POV Steve, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, this is me being sad and metaphorical and pretentious
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-03
Updated: 2020-01-03
Packaged: 2021-02-27 10:48:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22095898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onewriterinamillion/pseuds/onewriterinamillion
Summary: It started like it ended. With a glance.When Tony dropped in that first time with all his swagger and loud music and armor gleaming like hope, Steve saw nothing besides a cold man and colder metal. Except, on the helicarrier, he caught a small glance that he couldn’t read, but he could feel the curiosity and confusion and maybe a bit of... longing, which was way too much to unpack on a first meeting. Tony was beautiful in a visceral way that had Steve’s eyes lingering when they shouldn’t have, when his hands moved as he talked and his hair messed itself in the wind.That was the beginning.Or, a study of Tony and Steve’s relationship set within the films. Just to make you sad.
Relationships: Steve Rogers/Tony Stark
Kudos: 23





	when god left me all alone, he’s all i got

It started like it ended. With a glance.

When Tony dropped in that first time with all his swagger and loud music and armor gleaming like hope, Steve saw nothing besides a cold man and colder metal. Except, on the helicarrier, he caught a small glance that he couldn’t read, but he could feel the curiosity and confusion and maybe a bit of... longing, which was way too much to unpack on a first meeting. Tony was beautiful in a visceral way that had Steve’s eyes lingering when they shouldn’t have, when his hands moved as he talked and his hair messed itself in the wind. 

Then, there were gods and battles and there wasn’t much time for glances.

Yet Steve’s breath caught in his throat when he saw Tony fall, lifeless, from the sky, and his heart stuttered with gratitude when those intelligent eyes opened again, looking right into his.

That was the beginning.

After the battle ended and the dust settled, Steve was restless. He ran around for SHIELD and saw this new world he entered, alone. The times he got called up to fight with the Avengers were bright spots in his days. Steve had found a home with them just as he thought he had none. He liked Bruce’s quiet demeanor and Clint’s dirty jokes and Natasha’s brilliant smile and Thor’s affinity to cook eggs. He also liked Tony’s quick wit and ceaseless conversation and grease-stained hands and incredible mind. They saw each other little, as they each had their own problems and lives, but they were a good team. A great team. He wished he would’ve stuck around more.

Sometimes after a mission, when Fury went a little heavy on the debriefing, they would stay the night at Avengers Tower. There would be nights of drinking and dancing and nights when the battles were too long and the ghosts wouldn’t leave. (Those nights also involved drinking.) 

One of those latter nights, it had been an especially difficult battle, and Steve could remember Tony slamming to the ground and not moving. He had screamed to get Tony medical assistance, and his team didn’t mention the way his voice cracked dangerously on Tony’s name. In the end, Tony was fine, just knocked unconscious. He sat silently with Steve as Nat and Clint and Thor drank together, trying to forget the children who had died as collateral to their grandeur.

When the others had wandered off and a sober Steve sat quietly in the commons, Tony sidled up next to him and kissed him, much softer than Steve would’ve expected, but it was so right and so good and in that moment not a single other thing could’ve possibly mattered at all. After that kiss that they held too long, Steve broke away and Tony’s eyes were shining. They went their separate ways, but not before kissing once more, drinking in the taste of something they might never have again.

If Tony remembered it the next day, he didn’t say. Neither did Steve. They had pasts, and presents, that couldn’t involve each other.

Steve still loved Peggy. He missed her kind eyes and determination, but, he knew Peggy in the scope of war. He knew Tony in the scope of breakfast and laughter and heroes. Peggy reminded him of the time he had lost; she was a comfort. Tony reminded him of the now and the endless possibilities; he was an excitement.

But, Tony had Pepper, and she was remarkable and so right for Tony. Steve could never be jealous of her kind eyes. Okay, he could a little bit.

When Ultron was born, the betrayal was instant. He knew Tony’s heart was in the right place, but his eyes were still staring into the vastness of space. Tony was so afraid, and Steve wanted to wrap his arms around him and tell him that armor can only fix the outside, that the inside was what needed the most care. Since that wouldn’t happen any time soon, Steve chose to be a mature adult and rip wood apart as a coping mechanism.

Clint asked them to bunk together, since Nat and Bruce were apparently doing their own thing, and it felt like a cosmic joke. He couldn’t be so near to Tony, not now, when he wanted him so much it hurt to breathe but the anger hurt just as bad. Armor, suits, barriers came away and they settled against each other, close so to not fall off the bed, but with a conscious infinitesimal space between them. Steve’s eyes asked, “Why you?” Tony’s replied, “I remember.” This wasn’t a glance; it was a confession that set Steve’s body ablaze. 

Warm bodies met and lips collided like it was the last night, for it likely was. They glided against each other, breathing in musk and skin and pulling so close they were almost one. They touched and pulled and caressed and scratched like battle, but when all was quiet again, Tony’s head laid softly on Steve’s chest, and it was like everything had snapped into place. A soft kiss to Tony’s head didn’t go unnoticed, and they spent the remaining hours they had left with small kisses and smaller whispers. 

Steve stuck around after Ultron. He felt protective of Wanda; they had warped her world and made her bitterly alone. He knew someone had to keep an eye on Vision, and it wouldn’t be Tony. He also knew (but wouldn’t admit) that Tony was a lifeline. As long as he stayed near, the ghosts and pain would keep their distance. 

When Pepper left Tony, Steve was there to break the fall. He had meant to keep his distance, let Tony grieve, but someone had to make him eat breakfast and carry him to bed after one too many drinks in his workshop. And if Steve let himself fall asleep next to Tony when he was too drunk to rememeber, it only reaffirmed that when it came to Tony, he was gone. 

Then, for a few months when Tony was still upset enough to need comforting but ok enough to take regular showers, they were close and it was good. Steve had a code to Tony’s workshop, and he found himself sketching Tony at work more often than not. They had worked well to together on missions, but now fell in perfect synch. They kissed and fooled around when no one was watching, not often, but enough that Steve could map out Tony’s body in a sketchbook and knew exactly what spot on Tony’s neck would produce the most noise when bit. The whole situation was treated casually, but they kissed when they came and stayed the night after sex. Steve ached to kiss Tony in broad daylight, to hold his hand and see him smile like he had with Pepper, but he knew not to get carried away. He would get what he could, and be careful about wanting what he shouldn’t. 

But of course everything fell to pieces and of course it was Bucky again and of course the world wanted them under control. And of course Tony wanted to comply because he was so undeniably good and he had spent most of his superhero life trying to erase all his guilt. There was a part of Steve that wanted to go along with everything, but he couldn’t let go of the principles he and Peggy and Bucky had spent their lives trying to protect. He pushed away what he and Tony had started to build because he had a responsibility to the people who needed him. That’s what he told himself when he kissed Sharon (he was so angry) and when he slammed that shield into Tony’s heart (he was so broken). 

They went into hiding and Steve couldn’t help but send that stupid phone and hope that Tony hadn’t completely discarded what had been. He spent those lonely days so low. He had lost everything for his ideals, and had gotten nothing back. 

When he got that call and it was Bruce instead of Tony, the longing he had felt morphed to emptiness. Nothing could ever be repaired now, he thought. Finish this mission, if only to see him one last time.

Finish this mission he did, with Tony by his side again, with his little quips and jokes and did he really just say that about his ass? There was hope where there had been nothing, and Steve couldn’t help but brush his hand against Tony’s in the elevator on base as a promise that maybe they could figure this out. But Tony’s eyes were dim in that moment, the light from his wedding ring flashing brighter. Steve stood in Peggy’s office and mourned all that he had lost.

There was one night before everything ended, before the whole world went wrong, when they were dancing.

It was Steve’s birthday, and he was alone in the compound. The Avengers didn’t celebrate birthdays, not when Natasha and Clint had never done so before and Steve’s age was a constant reminder of his decades-long ice bath. Tony did, but with his socialite friends and Pepper. Steve didn’t think any of his teammates even knew when his birthday was.

So it was a complete surprise when Tony showed up unannounced with a bouquet of freesias that night. He was looking at Steve and his eyes were so focused and bright and Steve didn’t know what he had done to deserve something so absolutely perfect. He came to Tony without hesitation and they collided; their bodies curved together like they were made for the press of foreheads and soft smiles and slow caresses. Tony kissed him like a fire just beginning to burn. Steve had never felt so warm.

They ended up in Steve’s quarters after a little wine and a lot of kisses, holding each other close and dancing to distant music that reminded Steve of another time and a dance that never was. Tony rested his cheek on Steve’s chest and sighed. His body was relaxed, something Steve had hardly ever seen and never because of him. The world was so quiet then, as quiet as Steve had ever known. His heart ached to think of tomorrow, when Tony would go back to missing Pepper and Steve would go back to missing the scratch of a goatee and the comforting press of an arc reactor against his chest. When Tony nuzzled closer to him and they were just barely shuffling to the music, Steve could think of nothing but safe and happy and home and love. It wouldn’t last, but he knew it now. That was enough.

It ended like it started. With a glance.

Somehow, he knew Tony would be the one to lay on the wire and let the other guy crawl over. He knew, but he hadn’t been ready. Tony snapped his fingers and his body burned, but he was still so alive and his armor gleamed like hope. There were others there, Rhodey crying silently and Peter collapsing to the ground and Pepper, with her bravest face, smiling at Tony. 

Yet Tony’s glazed eyes slid over to Steve, standing away from the group. This glance he could read, but he chose to feel the desperation and longing and lost chances in those eyes, and he smiled, just a little, before Pepper reclaimed the last few moments of his attention, before his lights dimmed forever. 

Afterwards, when the flowers had floated into the water, Steve felt quiet. There was so much finality now without the endless possibility of Tony at the corners of his consciousness. Once again, Steve was a man out of time.

As a favor to the team, he gave back the stones. He also made a quick stop in 1952. Steve wasn’t one to break promises, and he owed someone a dance. Peggy was still beautiful and kind, but when the music ended she gently reminded Steve that her husband would be getting home from work any time now. He could’ve gone back to the day he went missing and been with Peggy from the start. He also knew why he couldn’t make that choice.

Steve ended up where his heart was aching to go, to 2012 when his whole world had twisted and flipped and he had made a new home. Back then, he had been bitter and scared, so when he offered his past self the rest of the Pym particles to do what his current self was no longer prepared to do, he wasn’t surprised to be the only Steve left. 

It was time to give Loki back, and the Avengers gathered to send him and their new teammate off. His heart ached to see Nat’s smile when Clint whispered in her ear. His whole body sang every time he saw Tony, who was healthy and alive and oblivious to what was to come. As they parted ways, Steve ran to Tony. This wasn’t a glace, it was a confession Steve poured out of hope and need and love.

“Could I maybe stick around for awhile?”

**Author's Note:**

> title is from kevin abstract’s “baby boy”


End file.
